“Somebody made a comment,” our S.A.O. supervisor gingerly told me, “that you are…weak in leadership.” She finished with finality, but evidently with much worry, as she examined my face for any reaction. I was having too much of a fine day to care about anything other than the scoop of mouthwatering chocolate sundae waiting for me in McDonald’s, and the thought of plunking my tired feet on a cushion as I get home. Without throwing caution to the wind, I blurted out, “Ma’am, I myself admit that I am not that great of a leader. I’ve always hated responsibility.” I replied with a smile that may have seemed too enthusiastic of an answer.
Several months ago, I was (forced? blackmailed?)…persuaded, to be the heir to the thorny crown that I have now fastened securely on my tormented head. Having no other scapegoat to appoint, the editor-in-chief chose me (the different nuances of conscience in my head scream in unison, “Huuwaaaat???) as her successor, a.k.a. eternal slave to deadlines, babysitter of insouciant staff members who are more passionate with nicking snacks than writing, and the whipping girl at the receiving end of all the bad publicity and rep the publication may get.
At the time of the bequeathal of the editorial positions, I failed miserably to execute my escape ruse, (either jump out of the window or feign an epileptic shock) and wrestled with my alter ego to restrain myself from breaking down and screeching with all my might, “Just let me write!!! Don’t feed me to the lions!!!”
But the problem is deeper-rooted than anybody might think: I have always been a loser in the leadership department. My leadership skill can only be likened to Lindsay Lohan’s ability to ward off intrigues, or Juday’s singing talent. Abysmal. No, non-existent.
Case in point: Back in first year high school, I received some good lambasting and scoffing from my classmates who picked me as president, and would’ve possibly undergone an impeachment trial and disgraceful descent from glory like Erap, had our class adopted the same bureaucracies as our national government. It wasn’t like they could blame me for everything. They apparently also had major “lapses in judgment” when they elected me just because of their silly assumptions that I’d do as well in the mazes of leadership as I did in the jungles of academics. Well, they thought wrong.
Our S.A.O. Officer, an affable young woman in her 20s, was, in my mind, taken aback with my response. Considering the “frail and vulnerable” image of myself I may have had imprinted in her brain, I have surprised her this time with my (dare I say?) boldness and sensitivity to the jumble of issues that are just the beginning of this mess I plunged in called editorship.
“But I’ve adjusted pretty well now. I just had a hard time last summer contacting the members, but everything’s okay now,” I retorted with much ease, the intimidating vibe in the office dramatically waning with every word I spewed out. “I actually REALLY love the job now. I’ve adjusted quite well and I’ve become really close with some members and I’m so excited for the release of the magazine,” I uttered amazingly in a single breath. Damn! It’s incredible the vigor that’s propelled into your system after finishing a grueling R.L.E. Unit Test. Even 20 sachets of 3-in-1 caffeine fix couldn’t make me that verbose and uninhibited.
I guess it is passion. Yup. That’s one thing we direly need to break the barriers, cross our limits, and honestly affirm ourselves that we’ve actually done something right and worthwhile once in our wasted lives. It impels people to change religions and dogmas, coerces them to play daredevils for a dream’s worth, and, as it had done to me, makes losers think twice and have the nerve to swim with the sharks again.
Crazy, I know, but disturbingly true.
2 comments:
Finally! hehe Your long awaited blog has been created, and now for Step 2: building your body of work for your official launch!! I'll definitely feature you in my Blogwatch.
Hmm learning the ropes on being a leader takes time (and a lot of pain!), and its a good thing you started early. I myself was "hinog sa pilit" when I was appointed to manage a group of rowdy CSRs in the office. But once you get the hang of it- its so much fun, and very much fulfilling.
I'm excited to see your Obra Maestra as it comes out next week = ) Whew! Better prepare the speech for Sr. President and Dr. Lim! hahaha!
Kuya, you're the one who inspired me to create my own online journal...And I really thank you for that.
Yup, it is fun. And the experience is changing me in so many ways. I guess I should embrace this change.
As long as you help me make that speech, why not?lolx
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